As I started composing this entry in my mind yesterday, it occurred to me that I had cried more in 24 hours than I have in weeks…months really. Cried over a man I have never met and one I never will. Tuesday night we had Dateline on and as I scanned the “info” a little blurb stating the show was a tribute to the late Randy Pausch popped up. I had never heard of Randy Pausch until that night, but now that I have, my life will most certainly NEVER be the same.
Not knowing the depth of the story, I left to put Huntler to bed. After some 3 1/2 year old chatter and a few bedtime stories, I returned to our room about 20 minutes later to find Chris already deeply embedded in the story of this husband, father, college professor, cancer patient. A man who had lost the battle and his life all too early. A man whose family I came to love over those next 40 minutes. A man whose family I have not been able to get off my mind since “meeting” them. A man whose family lost a truly amazing individual last week.
There is no way I can properly put into words what Dateline was able to do. They met Randy awhile back and have been following his story for quite some time. They have done several interviews with him in the last year or more and played different snippets from each of those during their tribute. I will try to give you the gist of it, but if you can find any way to watch that episode of Dateline, it will most definitely give you more insight. {And lucky for you, I just found a little clip…which once again has brought me to tears. It is just under 5 minutes, and if you can watch it…please do. I can’t seem to make this link directly to the clip, so look at the bottom of the screen at the related media stories…the second one.}
In the summer of 2006 Randy was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Many of you know that pancreatic cancer is one of the worst, most untreatable types of cancer one can get. Fairly soon after his diagnosis he had a rare surgery in which large portions of many of his internal organs were removed. After the recovery (as well as large doses of chemo and radiation), Randy bounced back. He felt and looked great, was living his life to the fullest…loving his wife and three young children. Last August (yes, nearly a year ago), he and his wife returned to the Texas facility where he was having a quarterly check up to find that the cancer had returned and was in full force. I know very little about cancer, but it had already metastasized and it was too late to do anything else. Randy was given three to six months of quality life and the focus would now change to keeping the quality of his life good as opposed to treating the cancer. As you can imagine, this was heartbreaking to say the least. Here is a 46 year old man who has only been married 7 years, has three YOUNG children (6, 4 and 2 when he died) and a life full of dreams, and he has now been given a death sentence.
The months that followed were bittersweet. Words can not describe the emotions I have felt after first watching Dateline and then reading his book. In September Randy gave what was called, “The Last Lecture.” Apparently it is quite common for college professors to be asked to give these “last lectures”…a reflection on life and such…however, for Randy, this truly was his last lecture. His wife did not want him to do it…they already had such a limited amount time left that she did not want him to spend precious hours pouring over this lecture. I can’t say I blame her… Although I have seen bits and pieces, I have yet to watch the entire lecture (you can view it online here), but I plan to over the next day or two. I have read his book though…“The Last Lecture.” The kids and I were at Barnes and Noble before they even opened yesterday and I devoured the book in less than 12 hours…laughing and crying my way through. It is a GREAT book (easy to read) and I HIGHLY encourage each and every one of you to pick it up. You won’t be sorry you did. It is not a story so much about dying, but one of life lessons and stories he wants to share with the world, but more importantly, his children. Things he won’t be there to tell them, little bits of randomness he wants them to know about him one day.
Anyway, I could probably babble on here for hours, but I will get to the point. What I learned from Randy and the way he lived his life has forever changed me and the way I want to live mine. It amazes me how someone I have never met, never even heard of until two nights ago, has had such an impact on me, has taught me so much through his life and his death. I only hope someday I have such an impact on someone.
I have been given a gift…an amazing husband and two beautiful children to teach, to love, to cherish, to nurture. As a stay at home mom, I think I sometimes take them for granted. Truth be told, I know I do and I am working so hard to overcome that. It is easy to turn on the TV and let them just watch “a couple” shows while I catch up on e-mails or clean the kitchen. It is easy to tell them to play in the playroom while I do all of the laundry or turn on a Thomas movie while I edit photos. But easy doesn’t mean it is right. I struggle with balance EVERY SINGLE DAY and most days, I lose. I guess I always think, well, tomorrow I will do better. But wanna know a little secret? Many tomorrows have come and gone and I haven’t done better. But the neat thing about life my friends is that it is never too late to change. And that is where I find myself today. At a crossroads. Tears are falling freely down my face now as I type these words. Next week I send Huntler off to preschool and that is HARD. I know he is ready and without a doubt I know it will be good for him, but this is it. Once he starts school, I lose all of this time I have taken for granted over the last four years. And even though he is only going twice a week for three hours a day, this is the beginning of what will all too soon be a reality.
I am no perfect parent…far from it to be exact. But like each of you, I learn something new every day. I learn from my mistakes and I try to change for the better. Watching Randy’s story and reading his words has given me a new take on life. I can only imagine the hurt and pain he must have felt knowing he would not be able to watch his children grow up, knowing he had to leave them behind. That has always been my worst fear…dying young. It is sometimes paralyzing…I rarely drive on the highway without my kids because I am scared beyond words of getting in a car accident and leaving them. And I will not fly without them. Do I think it is better if somehow we all go together? Irrationally, yes. I know…it is a crazy way to think but it is one of those things I struggle with. Of course if I were to die in an accident I would want my children to live and thrive, but I would be so sad for them…that they wouldn’t have me to teach them, to show them, to love them the way I want to love them forever…
I guess what I am trying to say is that Randy’s philosophy was to focus not on the negative, but the positive. He thought he was a lucky one…he did not lose his life without warning, he had time to show his family how much he loved them. To leave them notes. To make videos. To create memories. And although I am certainly not ready to leave my l
ife, I want to learn to live in the moment and cherish each one. Forget about mopping the floors or putting all the puzzles away before we go to bed. Are the kids REALLY going to remember that? No. What they are going to remember is that Mommy played Candyland over and over and over again with them. Or we painted bright pictures or played kissing tag in the pool (one of Huntler’s games). They won’t remember that the dishes were piled up or laundry went undone while we were doing all those things. I want to show them that they matter…that our little family of four is the most important thing in my life. I want to get it right.
ife, I want to learn to live in the moment and cherish each one. Forget about mopping the floors or putting all the puzzles away before we go to bed. Are the kids REALLY going to remember that? No. What they are going to remember is that Mommy played Candyland over and over and over again with them. Or we painted bright pictures or played kissing tag in the pool (one of Huntler’s games). They won’t remember that the dishes were piled up or laundry went undone while we were doing all those things. I want to show them that they matter…that our little family of four is the most important thing in my life. I want to get it right.
Whew…so this has turned out to be quite a post. I wanted to badly to get my thoughts out last night, but my eyes were so tired from crying so much that I just couldn’t do it. If you are still reading…thanks! This has turned out to be more of a “journal entry” than a blog post, but since I don’t keep a journal, all of my thoughts go here, for the world to see.
If nothing else, I hope each of you hugs your children a little tighter, lingers a little longer for those bedtime stories and takes a moment or two each day to really reflect on what you have been given and the way in which you are living your life when no one is watching. Don’t let your tomorrows creep by without taking notice…
{I have added a new song to my playlist…this is the song that they played throughout the episode of Dateline.}
