There are those few moments in each of our lives that forever change us. And for whatever the reason, they define us. They shape the person we currently are and the person we will become. A birth. A death. A marriage. A move. Life changing experiences that define who we will be for the rest of our days…
Two years. Two years ago today…so much of it was an emotional blur yet bits and pieces are crystal clear and play in my mind like it was just yesterday. I remember so many of the details…down to what I was wearing and the name of the worker who was carefully taking notes and logging each and every one of our belongings before being loaded onto the truck for a journey west. {Her name was Tasha…}
I remember standing at the garage door, boxes everywhere, and sobbing as the movers pulled up. Was this really happening? Somebody please pinch me. Was I really leaving home, everyone and everything that defined me, to move hundreds of miles away and begin this new chapter of my life? It was SUCH an emotional time for. What am I saying? It is still emotional…thoughts of this day have consumed me this week. September 22 marks the two year anniversary of our arrival out here and I have been unable to think of anything else this week. So much of who I am today is defined by the pieces of me I left behind two years ago…and also the bits and pieces I have been slowly “adding in” since moving here.
As I said, I remember little snippets like it literally just happened. I remember crying myself to sleep on the floor of Huntler’s room that afternoon as I laid with the kids while putting Huntler down for his nap. I remember so many friends coming by to give us hugs, wish us luck…and say goodbye. I remember walking to Lisa’s {just across the street} with the kids as furniture, toys, pots and pans and too many other things to count were carried out box by box. And do you know what we did at her house? We looked at the issue of Vanity Fair with Tom, Katie and sweet little Suri on the cover. There were pages of pictures of this beautiful family and we ate snacks and poured over the images of our favorite famous couple like it was just another day. Looking back this seems so bizarre to me…but there is no place I would have rather been! It was where I needed to be.
My heart aches for all of the times I have missed out on with everyone back home. All of the spur of the moment cookouts, the birthday parties, the annual summer trip to see Thomas the Train with cousins. The holidays, the random get togethers…the memories. I won’t lie…I am completely selfish at times and miss these things for myself in more ways than I can even begin to articulate as tears stream down my face once again, but mostly I miss this for my kids. I have an incredible circle of friends out here who have listened to me whine and complain far more than I should. I would be absolutely lost without them and my heart will break once more when the time comes for us to move home and say our goodbyes yet again. I have been blessed beyond measure in our journey out here…but to put it simply, it will NEVER be home. There are no cousins to be ornery with, no sleepovers at Grandma’s house on Saturday nights, no leaf piles to jump into as fall sets in and no snowmen to build.
It’s hard, unbelievably hard, living out here a world away from what I consider home. It has been hard since the night we arrived and it will be hard until the day we leave. But that which does not break you only makes you stronger and I am a FAR stronger person as I type this today than I was two years ago. Two years. Two years older. Two years wiser. Two years in. Two years.
My hope is that one year from now…when we reach our third year here…we will have a plan. We will know when we will close this chapter of our lives and set forth back to Kansas to start a new chapter there. My hope is that I will continue to grow and learn in ways I could not have even fathomed three years ago today when there was no prospect of moving. My hopes…
Two years. Two years stronger. Two years better. Two years. This journey is not one I would have chosen for myself and given the opportunity, I would leave in a heartbeat {with my family of course}. But the reality is, five years ago I made a commitment to my husband. I promised him my heart. And part of giving him my heart is that I in turn have his. I came out here because of him. He knows the sacrifices. He knows each of my struggles and that thoughts of moving home consume many of my days. He knows I cry. He knows I get sad and bummed. He knows all of that. And he also knows that our love is what carries me through the darkest of days. When you love someone with every fiber of your being, you make those sacrifices. You do things you never would have dreamed of. You leave your comfort zone and you do what you have to do. You hope for the best and you cling to each other as you make your way into the unknown. No one ever said that love is easy…it most certainly is not. But part of loving is putting those you love the most ahead of yourself. It is a two way street…I agreed to move because of Chris’ job, but it is that job that allows me to stay home each day with our beautiful kids.
So, as the next few days come and go, I will continue to think of my life and how far I have come. I will remember sitting in our basement floor {physically and emotionally exhausted} the night before we left with Britton, Lisa, Gareth and Megan. Beer was drank and memories were shared. That was two years ago today. I will remember the dirty carpets from the foot traffic of the moving crew. I will remember the odds and ends that were tossed about and then hastily stashed in a box because they didn’t really “belong” anywhere. I will remember taking pictures of Huntler and Kaylen in our living room as night set in. I will remember those lingering hugs and the long, sad goodbyes. I will remember the tears that continued to flow as we walked down Summertree Court for the last time and took one final walkthrough of our home. I will remember pulling out of our driveway for the very last time and not hardly being able to see as the emotion consumed me. I will always, always remember.
But life goes on. Two years later I am still here. I survived what has been the hardest obstacle in my life and I am here to share. And although I am homesick and sad, I am so very, very grateful for all that I have. I have a husband who {when not working 70 hours a week} would move mountains for me. I have two happy, sweet, beautiful children who keep the magic alive and fill my days with slobbery kisses and innocent giggles…not to mention some extreme frustration from time to time! I have a heart full of memories, old and new, that make me smile during the rough times. I have an appreciation for all that I have been given and I know that nothing can be taken for granted. I have gained more from this one experience of moving than from any other single thing in my life. I know I will be okay. And most importantly, I know I have a husband who will stand by me and love me unconditionally.
So sweetie…I wish you the happiest of birthday’s this year {tomorrow}. As you turn the big 3-0, I ho
pe you know how very much you are loved and appreciated each and every day. I hope you know that there is no one I would rather be on this journey with and although it isn’t always easy, you make it all worth it. I love you from the bottom of my heart…yesterday, today, tomorrow and always. Happy, happy birthday my love.
pe you know how very much you are loved and appreciated each and every day. I hope you know that there is no one I would rather be on this journey with and although it isn’t always easy, you make it all worth it. I love you from the bottom of my heart…yesterday, today, tomorrow and always. Happy, happy birthday my love.
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by Bethany
Very nicely written Bethany! Life is really about change and being able to adapt to what is thrown at you! I am so glad you have been able to adapt and know that one day, you will be able to go home to the comforts of your hometown. It’s nice to look back at what you have accomplished! And..I AM sure glad you are here! ;0)
We moved around quite a bit growing up and in my married life. Both Chris’ and my family are spread from the east coast to the west coast, so I feel that my “home” is here in Arizona, but my heart is always with family.
Enjoy the time you have here, the friends you’ve made, the milestones your little ones have made, memories, etc. Before you know it you will be back in Kansas looking back remembering your adventures here in Arizona, telling stories to all your friends and family.
Have a wonderful weekend…..I heard triple digits again. UGH!
WoW! I didn’t expect this at all. Caught me completely off guard so I am bawling my eyes out! I can’t tell you how much it means to me as a mom, to know that my only son, my only child is loved so much. I’ve known since he was small, he wanted a wife and family. He often talked of what he wanted his life to be like. By the time he was in high school, he knew he wanted to have his own business. My heart fills with joy knowing he is living the life he always wanted. I can be happy because I know he is happy. While I so wish I wasn’t missing out on time with all of you, I have peace knowing he has all he needs with you. I am so very glad you love him as you do. Not only is he worth it, but because you have committed your love to each other, you share in the blessings of that love, as well as bless your children with a home filled with love. And the world is a better place because of you. From the bottom of my heart, Bethany, THANK YOU for loving him as you do. Maybe someday, if you get the chance, you’ll have the opportunity to know how great it is to see your child deeply happy, cherished and loved by another.
Ok…I was tearing up over your post, but what I assume is a comment from your MIL put me over the edge. How nice!
We have moved alot with Dr. Hubby’s adventures through med school. Some were easy moves and others were hard. Hope this year brings fun adventures…
Very sweet and very moving. Brandy
WOW! I am so emotional.. I have memories so similar. Sitting on the couch, Jakob next to me, Bobby off to his first day of the Academy, my mom had been gone 30 minutes, and I was alone! So alone! Hours from everything I knew, everyone I loved, and I wanted to be home again! I will say that almost 3 years later, I am much happier, but it still tugs ta my heart. Tonight, for example, my parents, sister and her family, my brother, and grandma were all just hanging out at my mom’s.. nothing special, but I wanted to be there.. it broke my heart! I can relate to all of this.. and I hope you remember that I am always here, and I always understand. It is funny how life works, and although you will be missed, I hope you get to one day be home in Kansas!! See you soon!!