As I begin this entry this morning, it is barely 4:30 AM. Yet I have been awake for hours. I am really not quite sure why, it is so very unlike me, but nevertheless, here I am, gently tapping the keys in the dark of the night listening to the whir of the computer while my sweet family dreams sweet dreams in their cozy beds.
My mind has been all over the place the past three hours as I have willed myself to go back to sleep, knowing that dawn will break all too soon and shortly after that my darling little ones will be wide awake and ready to face the day as I try desperately to muster up some energy after having had only three hours of sleep when I normally get at least eight. But my mind will not shut off. And having grown sick of laying in bed waiting for the elusive sleep to come, I came here to pour my heart out and wait for the first morning light to break instead…
It hit me this “morning” just how quickly my kids are growing up. I mean, I KNOW they are growing and that time is flying and I talk about it often, but in the stillness of the night, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was thinking about Gentry’s upcoming birthday. How in just five short weeks my baby will be three. Three. And then I started replaying the past in my mind. I remember so vividly when Huntler turned three. It seems like just yesterday, yet it was nearly two years ago. Is that possible? His party stands out in my mind so crystal clear…everything from who was there to what I wore. How can I remember something so well when it was so long ago? And how have two years come and gone in such a short amount of time?
Tears come easily as I think of how much has changed and how much things will continue to change. As much as I long to slow the hands of time, they seem to gain speed with each passing day. I love to see who my kids are becoming, their personalities shining through. Their strengths. Their weaknesses. Their likes. Their dislikes. They are both such amazing little people and I simply cannot fathom a day without either of them. Yet as much as I enjoy seeing who they are becoming, I miss the time that has gone by. The phases they have outgrown. The past. The days that we’ll never get back. I wish I would have appreciated those days more. I wish I would have slowed down and truly cherished each and every moment. For the moments are so fleeting…so fleeting. I am reminded once again that the “todays” come and go far too fast and to cherish them always, for tomorrow will inevitably bring something new.
As I think about Huntler turning five in a few short months and Gentry turning three in just a few short weeks, part of me so desperately wants another baby. Another little person to love and bring happiness to our hearts and home. I often wonder what our lives would be like with another little one. But then the worry takes over. I feel like I struggle to give my kids enough of me the way it is…how would I spread myself out even more? Would someone feel cheated? And then I think that although it might be a challenge, as the days march on as we know they so rapidly do, the struggles and hardships would fade away and be replaced with only fond memories. It is the moments like this when I wish I had a book with all the answers in life…
It is also the times like this that I am so thankful for my love of photography, for the moments I have forever frozen in time. No, they aren’t all technically perfect, but they are all more than perfect in my eyes. For you see my friends, they tell a story. It is the story of us. And one day when my babies are all grown up, I’ll look back at Huntler’s dark, intense brown eyes and Gentry’s gappy toothed smile and I’ll be taken back to a time in my life where things couldn’t be sweeter…
It is now 5:20…the darkness that surrounded me just 45 minutes ago has been replaced with the early morning light. The construction crew is getting to work behind us. The birds are leaving their nests in search of breakfast. A new day is beginning. I plan to make the most of mine, tired as I may be. Go make the most of yours.
Filed under
my-lil-lollies,
random-sweetness,
by Bethany
Beautiful!! Thanks for the reminder to slow down… and good luck today!
If you find the answer to slowing down the speeding hands of time, please pass it along! Cherish each moment
and….
I hope you have the energy to get thru the day! I’d just hook myself up to a coffee IV!!