Hissyfits Photography Blog

Remember me? It’s been awhile. A long while. On one hand I feel like I wrote my last post yesterday and on the other hand it seems like forever ago. The last four weeks have been the worst of my life. And I don’t even know why. Nothing “happened.” I am good. Chris is good. The kids are good. Baby is good. We are all fine. Yet something inside me has seemed so terribly wrong. I have been so sad. So lonely. So homesick. So not where I want to be in life. I have tried to put on a happy face and keep putting one foot in front of the other, but the truth of that matter is that it has been hard. Really hard. And I have failed miserably. Countless tears have been shed. Days have been spent doing nothing. Life has seemed to pass me by.

But things are looking up. Two days in a row and not a tear one. The sun is shining. My heart feels lighter. Lots of fun things are on the horizon. Maybe, just maybe, I am leaving the blues behind.

I am loved – this I know. I have a husband who will listen to me cry and complain when I don’t know even know what I am crying and complaining about – this I know. I have a husband who tries his hardest to put the pieces of my broken heart back together – this I know. I have a husband who works hard to give us the life we love – this I  know. As much as I long to be in Kansas, I am here with him because it is where I am meant to be – this I know. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have won his heart and to call him mine – this I know.

And then there is the other man in my life. He loves me for me – this I know. His red hair makes me smile – this I know. His deep brown eyes melt my heart – this I know. The fact that he prefers to ride his sister’s princess bike and not his drives me crazy – this I know. He worries about getting hurt and doesn’t think he should learn to ride his bike without training wheels until he is big, like 13 – this I know. His newfound love of reality TV {Swamp Loggers, Billy the Exterminator, America’s Worst Drivers} proves that he truly does belong in our family – this I know. He will be in kindergarten next year – this I know. He is truly THE best little guy a mama could ever hope for or dream of – this I know.

And then there is this one…a whole lotta sugar but even more spice – this I know. She will be the one we get called to the principal’s office for her out of control chatting during class – this I know. Her blonde hair and blue eyes are sure to break many a boys heart when she gets older – this I know. Her spunky personality has made me laugh out loud during the midst of my crying bouts – this I know. Her love of all things candy and sugar is 100% from me – this I know. She may be the polar opposite of her brother but they are the best of friends – this I know. I love her little smashed up nose on the dirty patio door – this I know. Her carefree spirit and vivid imagination bring a kind of happiness to our home that I can’t even begin to explain – this I know.

And then there is Baby #3. I am 25 weeks today – this I know. I head back to the doctor tomorrow for a regular check up – this I know. This baby is so loved already – this I know. There won’t be a shortage of helpers in this house – this I know. The weather is changing and I believe my days of sporting velour jogging suits are over until fall – this I know. It is driving EVERYONE I know crazy that I won’t share our baby names – this I know. My entire stomach now moves when the baby is kicking like crazy – this I know. I am truly blessed – this I know.

During a time in my life when there are so many things that I don’t know, I am trying to focus on what I DO know. I do know that I am surrounded by friends and family that care. They have seen me at my worst  yet they still love me. They call. They email. They reach out when I am too broken to make an effort. For that I am grateful.

Here is to the second half of March and making it far better than the first half!

It was one of those weeks. Not a bad one by any means, but one where I found my mind constantly drifting to Kansas and wishing. Wishing, wishing, wishing. Wishing we were there now. Wishing we could go back for Easter. Wishing we were close enough for me to load up and visit my mom over a weekend and make bits of crafty fun for a craft fair she is taking part in in May. Wishing we would be back and settled in time to have the baby. Lots of wishing – and all for things that aren’t going to happen.

As I type, tears flood my eyes. I’m not sure why really, but they do. It isn’t as though I am miserable…I’m not. Each day I have a lot of love and happiness in my life. A lot of things to be grateful for and smile about. Yet with every fiber of my being, I want out of here. I so desperately want to be where I consider home.

I have been completely and totally uninspired this week – in everything. I have taken photos, but each time I go to edit them, I get frustrated and quit. I attempted to sew burp cloths for the baby and once again got frustrated and quit. Same with designing the birth announcements. It seems as though everything I touch I hate. I know everyone gets into funks and has off weeks, and this was one for me.

We DID do all sorts of fun stuff {picked out fish, took Gentry to get her nails done at the salon, went to a spring training baseball game}, yet deep down I am simply unmotivated. I am hoping that next week brings a change of heart and pace around this house!

Here is a shot of me and Gentry girl after she had her fingers and toes painted Wednesday morning at the salon {which she loved but the workers were SOOO rude!}.

Off to put my littles in the tub – for the second time today. They have been playing hospital and have marker {blood} ALL over their faces and bodies!! It does look pretty cute, but they want it off!

It’s March!! Crazy. But such a FUN month ahead!! And that much closer to meeting our baby too!! YAY! No pics today – just a quickie! I am in super cleaning mode and heading out to shoot around with my photographer friend this afternoon! Her little guy just turned one and we are meeting up and I get to take some photos of him!

1. Huntler worries about our baby getting smashed.  I don’t think I have shared this yet? Anyway, several weeks ago we were at Target and I squeezed myself between the cart and the counter to pay. It was a tight fit and I said, “Wow! I think I just smashed the baby!” He instantly puckered up and was fighting tears. He is definitely our sensitive child. Anyway, I explained to him that the baby was fine and I was only teasing. Goodness – I will never say anything like that in front of him again! He was crushed! So now every time he accidentally pushes on my stomach or something, he panics. “Is the baby okay? Did I smash it? I didn’t hurt it, did I?” He is so protective already. I look at him and I know we are doing something right.

2. And then there is Gentry. My word that child challenges us, especially me, daily. She is as cute and sweet as can be, but she is opinionated beyond belief. I am in the middle of reading this book right now. Hopefully I can get some control back without breaking her spirit.

3. I am finding it harder and harder to get down on the ground to take photos. Well, not on the ground necessarily, but flat on my stomach. I LIKE to lay flat on my stomach when I take picutres of the kids…now I am learning to lay on my side and look like a fish out of water or something un-natural! It isn’t pretty {or comfortable}, I can assure you of that!

4. I have given up on creating our birth announcements…for now. I desperately want to learn design, I do, but my plate is so full right now. I have so many things on my “to do” list that I am afraid I would spend 60 hours working on learning something and still not love what I created. Sooo, I have decided that I can in fact wait until the baby is here and have Chris (the design whiz!) help me! Or just do it. He’ll be home for a week or two after we have the baby and that will be top priority! Plus, this way we’ll only have to design one and not two!

5. I took Gentry to the dentist yesterday. For the THIRD time. I have a whole post I am hoping to get to one of these days, but  for now I’ll leave it at that she FINALLY cooperated and there were NO tears. And no cavities. It’s a miracle! I can not even begin to tell you how completely and utterly thrilled I am to have that behind us for another six months!

6. I am super stoked about getting to take this online workshop starting at the end of April. Happy 30th birthday to me!! It is two months and runs through the end of June so I am sure I’ll miss the tail end, but I am confident I can work ahead and get what I need to from it!! Between Kamee’s workshop in just three weeks {EEEK! I am so pumped!} and this one at the end of April, if I don’t take my photography to the next level, then there is seriously something wrong with me!!

7. I will never eat bagged salad again. EVER. Do you guys eat it? We did all the time. It’s easy. It’s good. It’s convenient. And then I heard something on the news that I did NOT want or need to hear and from now on, I am going to MAKE every salad I eat!

8. I also have a paranoia about popcorn that you pop in the microwave now. Some other random study I heard on the news one night and now I don’t touch it OR let the kids have it. It totally stinks because I LOVE kettle corn. I mean REALLY, REALLY love it. And you can’t just pop some kettle corn in your air pop popper, ya know?

9. I am still trying to decide how I feel about the way The Bachelor went down last night. I wasn’t a Vienna fan from the very beginning, but maybe there was some selective editing that went on to make her seem worse than she is? Not sure. I DO know that I loved Tenley and hope she finds happiness. As far as Jake and Vienna, I guess we’ll just have to see!

10. And last but not least, KATE GOSSELIN on the next Dancing with the Stars? Seriously? I don’t really watch that show, but now I might?

And on that note, I am outta here! The clock is ticking and I have oodles to get done!