Hissyfits Photography Blog

I couldn’t agree more.

And with that, we are moving :: HOME. In July.

I have written and rewritten this post in my mind a hundred times it seems – each time with a different perspective. As the days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months and those months now into years {four years and nine months to be exact}, I have changed. Life has changed. What I would have written even a year ago would be completely different than what will spill out of me tonight. And when I say, “spill out of me,” I mean just that. I am writing from my heart and instead of carefully filtering my words, I am simply sharing a little piece of me…

We trekked out here with a chubby cheeked, red headed little boy just 8 days shy of turning two and a pudgy baby girl only eight weeks new. The years have turned that baby faced toddler into a tall, lean first grader, armed with a thirst for knowledge. Those same years have turned that eight week old baby girl into a kindergartner who is cautiously finding her way in this big wide world. And still those same years have blessed us with another child to love.

And then there is “us.” There is nothing like packing up all of your worldly belongings and moving hundreds of miles from everything that defines you with only your spouse to depend upon. There is something so real and so extremely binding when you have only each other to turn to in a place so far from home. Chris has been my rock through the many ups and downs I have experienced out here and I could not ask for a better partner in life. I am so, so lucky to call him mine…

When we arrived on our doorstep that dark fall night in 2006, I was emotionally exhausted. As my fingers tap across the keys of the keyboard, I find myself once again in that same place. Yet different. Tears fall freely. They have been for weeks now. Tears fell freely for weeks leading up to our move out here. And weeks after. Our stay here has never been permanent. It has always been simply “a chapter” in the story of us. I was good with that. If we don’t stay too long then we won’t have the chance to get attached – that has always been my thought process.  I thought everything would be perfect if we could move back before the kids got involved in school and started to settle.  Easier said than done. Easier said than done. And while I can confidently say that I will never grow attached to the extreme heat, the lack of true seasons, the dust, the critters and many other things, my heart will once again break as we close the door on this chapter.

Five years ago I would have never predicted that. Today it consumes me. Let me first say that I am beyond thrilled to be moving home. Please please please don’t think I am not. I have dreamt of this day for years. But I think I must first work through wrapping up our life here, literally and figuratively. I cannot wait to get back and get settled. We have so much time to make up for and so many memories to create! My heart bursts at the thought of all of the fun that awaits us! Yet I would be lying if I said that it isn’t going to be hard. How can it not? Five years is a lot of life lived out here. The  majority of our life as a family. Birthdays. Holidays. Bedtimes. Firsts. Births. Many, many milestones. The lucky thing is those are all memories and nothing tangible. They can, and will, be taken with me. It’s the friends that I can’t load up and haul across the country. It is the friendships that carried me through many sad days that I will miss. The friends. Both mine and the kids’. Friends that I never expected to make, let alone love. Friends that have shared in so many of our memories here. Friends that have witnessed me at my worst and appreciated me at my best. Real friends. Lifelong friends.

But I will get through it. It will be a change, but it is one I have been ready for for a really long time. While we have been able to do a lot of neat things out here, we have missed out on so much more back home. There are many, many things I desperately want for my kids. Things that both Chris and I had growing up. Grandparents close. Cousins. Sleepovers with those grandparents and cousins. Family get togethers. Barbeques. K-State football games. Jumping in leaf piles. Making snow angels. Chasing fireflies. Making wishes on dandelions. Small town county fairs. “Real” pumpkin patches. Bonfires. Tree houses. Tire swings. The list goes on. And on. And we have a whole lot of family and just as many of those real, lifelong friends anxiously awaiting our return – and that makes me smile from the inside out.

As much heartache as I have endured over the last five years and the many, many days I was beyond homesick and cried countless tears, I don’t regret our decision to move out here. I truly don’t. If hind sight were 20/20, we probably wouldn’t have, yet at the same time I am not filled with even an ounce of regret. Does that make sense at all? I have learned so much about myself and have come to appreciate life all the more across the miles. Sometimes it takes having your world totally rocked to realize what is truly important. There are a lot of things I no longer take for granted and I will return to the sunflower state ready to embrace them all!

And so with that, I close. I have a sneaking suspicion that these next few weeks will be a blur. There is a party to get ready for. There are photos to edit. There is packing to be done. And there are playdates to be had. As each day draws to a close and brings us one day closer to home, I pray that my sadness about saying goodbye somehow lessens, even if just a bit…

I took these photos two years ago but I find them fitting for this post!

Filed under my-lil-lollies, by Bethany