Edited to add: I wrote this post two weeks ago, LATE LATE LATE at night. I was beyond exhausted and didn’t publish it for fear of sounding too negative. Just know, I am in a really good place!!! I’ve given some things up for now, but not forever! My kids are happy and healthy. We are good!! Truly good!! Changes are coming to Hissyfits Photography and I AM still squeezing in a session every now and again!!!
As my fingers gently tap the keys in the darkness of this eerily cool and cloudy spring night and the wind shakes the forest of trees just beyond the windows, my mind wanders. This song plays on repeat in the background. Tears come and go. Exhaustion outweighs what I know in my mind to be right. Doubt creeps in. Clarity follows.
I’ve spent the last few hours editing images and wording this post in my mind. It’s hard to find that perfect post to follow up a nearly three month hiatus. But then again, there is no perfect…
Life has been busy. Three kids. Three busy kids. Three busy kids each going in a different direction. An hour and a half a day shuttling little people to and from school. More on nights when we have soccer or scouts or any other random activity in town. I’m good with that. This season in life is so, so short. I’m willing to make sacrifices because that’s what moms do. We give up little bits and pieces of ourselves in hopes that the payout far outweighs the sacrifice. My hope? My hope is that my kids will one day cherish the fact that I refused to bus them to school because I loved them enough to want to spend those extra fifteen minutes each way to town and back with them. Is it always happy and cheery? Ha! Far from it. Most days we rush out the door frazzled. Most days they fight. Most days I have to get on to them for their attitudes. But that’s life. That’s my real life…and it’s begun.
I tend to get so caught up in worrying about tomorrow or next week or next year and the five hundred million things that need done, I forget to live today. In waiting my real life to begin, I forget to live. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’m craving simplicity in my life. I’m giving things up as I attempt to be a better mom. A better wife. A better daughter. A better friend. I quit a book club I was so excited to be part of before I ever even attended one meeting because the thought of having to complete a book and then trek to town once a month to discuss it was more than I could handle. I quit Facebook. Completely. My poor blog is grossly neglected. I maybe check two or three other blogs once a week? I’ve failed miserably at “Capturing the Everyday.” My photography biz is on hold. Many, many tears have been shed in the last few weeks/months as I’ve made some hard decisions and come to some tough realizations, but as time marches on, I stand a little taller. It is hard – so so so so so so so so so so so hard – to put off things I truly want to do. But just as hard? Simply accepting that I cannot do it all. My overachiever, “I can do it all,” perfectionistic personality has struggled greatly with this. But it’s going to be okay. It already is. Sometimes just accepting with your heart what you know in your head is the hardest part. My heart is full… 
While we don’t hear each tick of the clock, we know time keeps on ticking. Those minutes turn into hours and the hours days and weeks. Time heals. Yet at the same time, it steals moments away. Funny how that works. I am making a point to be present in the lives of my kids and my family. I often find myself thinking of how much easier life would have been in the 50′s or 60′s. How different culture was back then and how much has changed. While I certainly don’t want to give up some of our modern conveniences, I long for days where life seemed simple and safe and everyone was happy and carefree. I want that life. It’s 2012 but I want that life. Where kids ride their bikes all over and we don’t worry about them being kidnapped. Where clothes hang on the line outside to dry. Where people have morals and standards and are truly decent.
I want it for them…
I want it for this one too… {Baby #4 due August 2012}
{I’m guessing Baby #4 explains part of my absence and my need to prioritize and let some things go for now…}
These little ones are growing up so fast. So incredibly fast. In three weeks Huntler will wrap up first grade. His first year at a new school – his forever school – will be under his belt. He’s made friends. He’s made memories. He’s thrived. He’s lost teeth. He’s gained independence and confidence. He’s conquered new skills. He’s learned some hard lessons. He taught us more than we could ever imagine along the way…
In two short weeks Gentry girl will wrap up kindergarten. Her days of half day school will be behind her as we roll into summer. She’s tested us. Greatly. But she’s taught us. Greatly. She loves like no other and has been my little buddy. Next year just might rock my world more than hers…
Ohhhh Brighton. Ornery, cute, cuddly little Brighton. She’s two months shy of two. Already. Smart as a whip. Sassy as her sister. Her own personality.
I look at these images as I feel our new little one kick and move inside me and I know that everything is going to be okay. I may not be able to do it all, but I am hoping the things I AM able to do matter the most…..
Until next time…
